Lost Again...

So here I am now finding myself at a place I no longer want to be. Don't take this too literally folks. What I mean to say is I think I have gotten life all wrong. I am living, but not loving to the degree that I should. I want so much to be happy, laugh, and love with a whole heart, but I forgot how -if indeed I ever did. It's kind of sad, but yet kind of a relief. I mean after all I can take steps to make changes.

I googled it! "It" being, finding peace with yourself - the results were not really helpful. I decided to tell someone, but they got upset and sent me to bed. Started a chat with a friend, but three seconds in I realized that she too was like me.

Now what...

Well my hope is to blog just to get it out. My thoughts, feelings... I don't expect, want or not want anyone to read or comment. I am doing this for me. Now this is novel in my life - for me...

Once again please don't get the impression that I am one of those people who do everything for other people. As a matter of fact the few acts of "kindness" I do for others I do with an attitude or because in the long run I am going to get stuck doing it anyway.

Let's see what this being lost helps me find.

It has been awhile!

Wow, you go away and things change! Decided to check in on my blogs (that were started two years ago) and those google people changed everything around on me. Very frustrating, but I will adjust. So many things have changed, but yet still so much has stayed the same. So where am I now after two years.

- Well I am still a big girl- around 240, but I am happy with that. The band is a tool and I have chosen to use it in a way that lets me live normally. I go out to dinner and eat a normal sized meals. I am still able to eat bread and rice - many "bandsters" don't have that luxury. Most importantly, I feel good. Don't get my wrong I still want to lose weight, but I am happy to do it slowly, in ways that work for me.

- In terms of what works for me. I like to walk. I start and stop over and over, but when I do it I really enjoy it. For me walking works best when I do it alone. I use my walking time to clear my head, listen to music, and reflect on my day and feelings. It's "me" time and I deserve it.

- I am going to be grandmother in a few weeks and that is super exciting. It's funny becoming a grandparent makes you think about your age - heck it even made me dye my hair!

Fill Number 2

Okay, so I got my second fill - one whole cc... ( I'm wondering, why are they being so cheap with the saline?). I am up to four ccs now - weight loss thus are is slow, but steady and to be honest I am living normally. I've lost 31 pounds so far (need to change my ticker) and I haven't starved myself at all. I am blessed that I can still eat everything with no problems. I am a bit more active because my body allows me to now, but I really haven't been exercising a whole lot. I enjoy my Wii Fit, but that is when I have time and lately I have no time. I am proud to say I did go down a pants size and my shoes are getting big on me. Will keep you all posted. By the way I still have that pain in shoulder, thankfully it is not constant.

Yay for me...

So after obsessing over the scale at what it isn't saying, I found an bit of success that is worth more than a pound. I was walking with two colleagues in the cold and rain, rushing to get to our car and sure enough I was able to keep up with them. Usually, I would be winded or say for them to go on ahead, but not this time. This time I help my own. Yay for me.

Another Day...

Another day of more than the same, but with little differences.

People are finally starting to take notice of my weight loss and that is really nice. However, people think that my having the surgery was supposed to be this quick fix and I guess they are surprised that I haven't lost more. I also think they are surprised to see that I am able to eat regular food (I surprise myself with that as well). It's weird I almost feel guilty eating in front of certain people to the point that I find myself being a bit spiteful about my choices. Don't get me wrong I'm not eating a Big Mac or anything like that, but I think I am expected to eat only salads and tofu and that is not who I am. I like food and while I am certainly eating less of it, I am still eating it. I will be on vacation next week and my hope is that I can try some new recipes so that I can eat a variety of things that are healthier for me as I recognize that I am in a dangerous place. Truth is I am, thus far, able to eat the exact same way I ate before - except I eat less of it and stay full longer. I am envious of all those who are able to say things like I ate four bites and I was totally satisfied - is that for real or is it really mind of matter. I have tried having a yogurt for breakfast and it just doesn't cut it- I am hungry in an hour. Oatmeal sustains me longer, but still. Anyway I am happy with where I am at and I acknowledge that I am not doing all that I need to, to make this work for me - ( I need to get myself exercising) - although I have one hundred excuses as to why I am not doing that. I guess the truth is I am a very bad bandster. Perhaps I need a really good talking to.

First Fill...

So yesterday I got my first fill - a whole 3ccs. Let's see what difference it makes. I'll tell you this much... it was definitely a weird sensation. I was so nervous about it that I got nauseous . Like everyone says it's really not bad at all, but the process is really intimidating.

After all that beating myself up and I actually hadn't gained anything back. On the contrary, I'd lost an extra pound bringing my weight loss to 22 pounds. While I am proud of that, I spend a bit too much time thinking about how much I could have lost had I done the right thing. This is a learning experience for me and I am discovering a lot about myself and my addiction to food.

I am the kind of person that respects boundaries that I know I can't cross, once I know I can I will push it. Which is what had happened. I had thought that after surgery hunger wouldn't be an issue and that is kind of true, as the cravings aren't as extreme. I also thought I'd get satisfied on bits of things and that wasn't true after three weeks (when my stomach had healed). Granted I am not eating like I did before, but truth is I ate waiting for my body to send my brain a message to stop and that message didn't come.

With that said I take this fill, along with the two days of liquid diet I was told to follow (I didn't know I had to do that after a fill) and remind myself that my mind is in charge. No more waiting for messages/signals of this is what full feels like. Instead I will serve myself and eat what my brain says is satisfying.

Lets see what happens. I go back in six weeks for my next appointment.

Countdown to Friday...

At this point I feel so desperate. I so want to get my first fill. I tested the limits and went way beyond and need something to reel me back in. I am so out of control and each day I say today will be a better day and by the time the day comes to a close I am disappointed in myself. I gained back around 3 pounds (refuse to step on the scale) and I can't get passed it. I feel like I want to start over. I have not been sick nor thrown up, nevertheless I am praying I didn't cause any permanent damage. How is it possible though with me knowing that damage I could possibly cause to myself that I overeat anyway? I guess I need more help than I realized. Hopefully, the fill does what I need it to do.